Well hello there.
I see you've caught me holding up my mayonnaise-filled gloves after scoring two goals on Boxing Day to give Manchester United yet another win and make myself the top scorer in a little league called "Premier." I would say that this was a delightful surprise, but it wasn't. It was actually one of several things I requested from Father Christmas after I pushed several children aside to sit on his lap. After about two hours he said he would give me whatever I wanted if I would just get off his lap and stop massaging his earlobes, and it appears it he held up his end of our agreement. Ha-HA!
I apologize for not looking directly at you as I seduce you with my unmatched Berba-bilities. Even through my peripheral vision, I can tell that you are as radiant as ever today and your sparkling eyes could easily seduce any man into enjoying a hot tub party with you and several strangers who smell like vinegar. But I fear that if I look into your eyes with my piercing and sensual gaze when my powers are at their zenith, your underpants will instantly melt. Ha-HA! ... Oh, you don't think that will happen? Well, trust me, I've done it before. ... When? I don't remember exactly when it was, but it did happen. ... You wouldn't know her. She's from Canada.
Nevermind that -- I feel I should notify you of my other wishes that Father Christmas promised to fulfill before his security team banned me from the premises. One is that Manchester United will be renamed "Sexy Tickles United." Another is that Wayne Rooney will continue to be hilariously bad. And finally, that you and I fall madly in love in the confines of my carpeted van while my cousin Timitar videotapes it all and Chicharito a.k.a. Little Berba giggles in the corner. So, since all my Christmas wishes are coming true, perhaps we should make our way to my love wagon now?
Oh-OHHH! Wayne Rooney's failed penalty kick against Arsenal just hit me in the head! Oh, that hurt so much! Of all the places for that ball to land upon its descent back into the Earth's atmosphere, it had to land directly on my aphrodisical widow's peak. Oh, that was not one of my Christmas wishes at all!
Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of...The Continental...
Photo: Getty Images
Eva Longoria Susan Ward Emmy Rossum Kim Yoon jin Melania Trump
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