Well hello there.
I see you've caught me sitting on the bench and wondering why Wayne Rooney is so bad at doing everything. Ha-HA! His penalty kick against Arsenal was even more of a spectacular failure than the time my cousin Timitar and I walked around Manchester posing as underwear inspectors. Ha-HA! But seriously, my cousin Timitar and I really are underwear inspectors, so please go ahead and take off your- ... You're not going to take off anything? OK, then. I'll ask again in a few minutes.
Perhaps you're wondering why I didn't play in Manchester United's very important match against Arsenal. ... Well, I'll tell you anyway. Earlier in the day, as I focused my erotic will on continuing to be the club's greatest scorer of all time and filled my gloves with mayonnaise, Sir Alex Ferguson approached me and said, "Berba, your excellence is unmatched and you smell nothing like spoiled milk and goat hair. Please forgive me, but I must bench you so Arsenal have a sporting chance and Rooney won't be intimidated by your formidable and sexy presence. Also, you definitely don't smell like spoiled milk and goat hair."
So, my good friend Park Ji-sung (which translates to "Asian Berba") scored a fabulous goal that I taught him, Rooney continued to be not good and Manchester United won yet again. Ha-HA! Excuse me a moment while I instruct the young man sitting next to me whom I have never seen before in my life to remind Chicharito a.k.a. Little Berba to meet me in the woods later for a celebratory Berba-buffett that will include several kinds of jelly and maybe some squirrel meat. ... Now, how about letting me inspect your underwear?
Oh-OHHH! I think I just got hit in the face by an errant Wayne Rooney penalty kick! Oh, that hurts so much! Why did feel the need to kick it so hard and so far away from the goal?! Oh, I'm not even hungry anymore for that delicious Berba-buffett in the woods! All that squirrel meat will surely go to waste! Oh, it really is astonishing how bad that guy is.
Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of...The Continental...
Photo: Getty Images
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