Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. WHAT IS GOING ON -- WHERE AM I???!?!?!? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SHIRT?!????!?! WHY AM I ON TOP OF THE OCEAN!?!??!?!?!?! AHHHHHHHHHHH I THINK I JUST SAW AMELIA EARHART!!!!!!!!!!

2. THE ROYAL WEDDING -- EVEN THOUGH I WASN'T INVITED I GOT WILL AND KATE A FANTASTIC WEDDING PRESENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S A MANNEQUIN THAT SHOOTS ACTUAL HUMAN VOMIT OUT OF ITS MOUTH HOLE AND COULD EXPLODE AT ANY MOMENT IN A GIANT FIREBALL OF AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S SO FANTASTIC THAT I DECIDED TO KEEP IT FOR MYSELF AND JUST GET THEM A GREETING CARD INSTEAD!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH IT'S A WIN-WIN SITUATION!!!!!!!!!!!

3. VVV-VENLO SIGNING A ONE YEAR OLD -- THIS IS DISGRACEFUL!!!!!!!!!!! I COULD LITERALLY DESTROY THAT BABY WITH A SINGLE TACKLE!!!!!!!!!!! GOOD LUCK AGAINST THE PROFESSIONALS BABY!!!!!!!!! IF YOU SCORE AGAINST ME I WILL SLAM DUNK YOU INTO THAT TOY CHEST LIKE A BABY BASKETBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- DID YOU SEE WHAT COLOR THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND WORE TO THE WEDDING?!??!?!?! CLEARLY SHE IS IN LEAGUE WITH THE KERNELED MENACE!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF SHE HAD ANY ACTUAL POWER THIS WOULD BE INCREDIBLY DISTURBING!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. FERNANDO TORRES FINALLY SCORING A GOAL -- I WAS STARTING TO FEEL SORRY FOR HIM AND THOUGHT ABOUT BUYING HIM A MOTIVATIONAL POSTER WITH KITTENS ON IT BUT AS SOON AS HE SCORED I INSTANTLY HATED HIM AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DARE HE SCORE A GOAL AGAINST A HELPLESS KEEPER LIKE ROBERT GREEN!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH THAT'S LIKE SLAM DUNKING A DUTCH BABY IN A TOY CHEST!!!!!!!!!!

6. PIQUE KISSING SHAKIRA AT A BARCA MATCH -- REVOLTING!!!!!!!!!! REVOLTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOOTBALL MATCHES ARE NOT A PLACE TO BE KISSING PEOPLE!!!!!!!! IT IS A PLACE FOR VIOLENCE AND HATRED!!!!!!!!!!!! UNLESS TAYLOR SWIFT WANTS TO GO TO A MATCH WITH ME!!!!!!!!! THEN WE CAN KISS UNTIL THE BIRDS SING AND ANGELS DANCE HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. YET ANOTHER CLASICO -- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!! I!!!!!!! DON'T!!!!!!!!! CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. DIMITAR BERBATOV'S GODFATHER IMPRESSION -- I CAN DO A GREAT IMPRESSION OF THE LITTLE MERMAID BUT YOU DON'T SEE ME MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT!!!!!!!!!!! UNLESS YOU HAPPEN TO SEE ME AT MY LOCAL PUB ON A THURSDAY NIGHT!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH I CAN SCREAM/SING "PART OF YOUR WORLD" BETTER THAN ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!! ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS DRINKING PAINT THINNER OUT OF A TEA CUP AND GETTING READY FOR A NICE PRIVATE ROYAL WEDDING VIEWING PARTY WHEN MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI CAME OVER AT THE EXACT TIME I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO!!!!!!!!!! WHICH IS ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!! HE ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO JOIN HIM AND HIS GOOBER KIDS FOR THEIR ROYAL WEDDING VIEWING PARTY!!!!!!!!! I WENT INTO AN INVOLUNTARY SEIZURE TO TRY AND AVOID HAVING TO ANSWER BUT THAT DIDN'T GET RID OF HIM!!!!!!!!!!!! SO WHEN I FINALLY REGAINED CONSCIOUSNESS I SAID "YES DAN THAT SOUNDS LOVELY!!!!!!!!" BUT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I WOULD RATHER EAT A POISONED HAMSTER THAN WATCH THE WEDDING AT HIS HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANYWAY IT TURNED OUT TO BE QUITE ENJOYABLE AND I WHEN THEY KISSED ON BALCONY I DROPKICKED THE TELEVISION AS AN EXPRESSION OF UNBRIDLED JOY AND RAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE DAN BLAMES THE BROKEN TV ON ONE OF HIS GOOBER KIDS EVEN THOUGH HE SAW ME DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

Melissa George Cameron Richardson Chandra West Kasey Chambers Megan Ewing