I'm Bert Tiddle and you've never heard of me. When I played for Ipswich Town in 1985, I attended a Norwich City match and started a chant about how their club is like a cross between gonorrhea and more gonorrhea. It was brilliant. But then Steve Bruce shouted at me from the pitch, telling me to shut up and everyone cheered. Steve Bruce is a numpty.
Whenever I open a paper or turn on the internet these days, if I'm not getting eye-molested by hullabaloo about Prince Billiam marrying someone who isn't my daughter, then I'm forced to read bleeding hearts moan about insensitive chants. Whether it's Munich, Hillsborough, pedophiles or some other horror, the reasonable people who are outraged by drunken idiots saying these things forget that the more outraged you get, the more drunken idiots want to say drunken idiot things. It's science.
And it's really quite easy to ignore the words of people who don't matter. Like when Migraine, one of my 18 kids, is blathering on about how his tongue hurts and I have to take him to hospital or whatever. I'm a grown man and I don't let his words get to me -- I just keep bouncing the exercise ball off his face.
Still, only stupid twunts have to resort to singing about horrors during a football match. And since they're not smart enough to think of creative insults, old Bert's come up with a few song topics that will make your opponents force their spouses to cook you breakfast in the nude. Even if they're ugly. You're welcome...
1) Compare their team to bulldog puppies. They'll quickly realize that their side, no matter how talented, has nothing on a basket full of bulldog puppies and they'll feel far worse than comparing their coach to a sex offender ever could. Plus, their players will start thinking about how much they want to buy a bulldog puppy and they'll probably lose the match. Two birds, one stone.
2) Keep chanting "We love you! We love you! We love you so much!" They'll be so confused they won't know what to respond with. Heads will explode, pants will be wet and you might even get a happy ending after the match. Maybe even without having to pay for it.
3) Just stare at them. Nothing's more frustrating than getting the silent treatment while constantly being challenged to a massive staring contest. My kids do it to me all the time. They're either possessed or they like when I blast them with the garden hose and tell them it's holy water.
4) Speak in tongues. It's horrifying. They'll probably flee the stadium before halftime. I do this when I'm at the pub and realize I've forgotten my wallet. Always gets me out of paying, but it usually gets me arrested, too. Double edged sword there.
So that's it. Bert Tiddle's genius guide to beating opposing fans without bringing up disasters and living nightmares. I'm going to wash my car.
Photo: Getty Images
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