Well hello there.
I see you've caught me taking a dignified tumble to the ground that will earn Manchester United a penalty. Does this turn you on? Because it should. Ha-HA! ... Well, it's opposite day, so "no" really means "yes." ... Please stop saying "yes."
Some Berba-bad mouthers have accused me of diving, but people who know me know I don't go down that easily -- unless a Berba-beauty like you comes by my carpeted van. Ha-HA! ... Please, do not interpret that as an expression of vulgarity. I simply mean that I will gladly fall down for your amusement if and when you visit my carpeted van for an evening of bootlegged opera music and mayonnaise massages. So when should I pencil you in for such a romantic evening that it will surely be videotaped by my cousin Timitar Berbatov? ... Ha-HA! Your mouth says "never," yet your dazzling eyes say "maybe next Thursday."
You can check your schedule later, though. For now, I must once again assert that I did not take a dive against Liverpool. As you can clearly see, my enviable widow's peak is waving in the breeze as I valiantly try to stay erect. ... Shh-shh -- don't concern your pretty head with my erotic feet or the amount of contact I suffered, just keep gazing upon my widow's peak and everything will be OK.
Oh-OHHH! The seering pain of being in the general vicinity of this Liverpool player whose name I don't know has just begun to set in! Oh, it is excruciating and horrible! Please, when we win this match because of my noble sacrifice, tell Sir Alex to build a statue in my honor, give my mayonnaise-filled gloves to Howard Webb, and nurse me back to health with mobile phone pictures of yourself in various states of undress. ... Oh wait, that actually didn't hurt at all.
Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of...The Continental...
Photo: Getty Images
Norah Jones Nicky Hilton Garcelle Beauvais Kristy Swanson Ali Campoverdi
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