I'm Bert Tiddle and you've never heard of me. Joe Jordan and I once got in a fight after a match between Coventry and Southampton in 1986 because I repeatedly told him that he still had pasta sauce on his shirt from when he played in Italy. He said it was a stupid line and tried to hit me with a pipe. I only said it because Dave Bennett told me it was brilliant and laughed like a mental patient when I asked him if it was funny. Dave Bennett is a numpty.
I knew that Spurs-Milan match was going to be a good one, so I told my kids to go find some strangers and play in the street so I could watch it in peace. Best decision I've made all week. The match was a cracker and Zinfandel, one of my 18 kids, hasn't come home yet. The only thing I had a problem with was the business between Randy Gattuso and my old pal Jordy. What ugliness. I mean, it's an admirable show of character when an Englishman flips his lid and attacks everyone around him, but when an Italian does it? Disgusting. How am I supposed to dismiss them all as a bunch of diving fairies when that happens? Instead, I've started calling them wanklepusses. Just sounds right.
The other bit of idiocy that's come from this is everyone saying what a hard man Joe Jordan is. It was nonsense in the '70s and it's nonsense now. First of all, if he was really that hard, he wouldn't have lost his front teeth. That's not hard. Losing your big toe and the top part of your index finger in two separate freak vending machine accidents is hard, but having your teeth fall out of your head is not hard. And of course he didn't react to getting headbutted. He's Scottish for God's sake. On average a 59-year-old Scot has been headbutted at least 9,174 times in his life. That's a fact I read in a book. I'm going to find Zinfandel. The wine, not the kid.
Follow Bert on Twitter for more on why he probably hates you.
Photo: Reuters
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